Taking stock

Well, after last Friday's haircut, Calvin decided to go on a hunger fast. I wasn't worried the first few days since I thought he was depressed after his poodle haircut, but by the third day I was concerned. I took him to the vet and after a few tests we found out that his kidneys have failed. That was the real reason we took him in on the day of the dreaded haircut. So...between haircut day and 5 days later, he took a steep decline. They evaluated that, in laymen's terms, the kidneys weren't working and the toxins in his body had doubled between Friday and Wednesday. So, to get rid of these, he is now on kitty dialysis for the next day or so. While the initial results have him eating again, the toxins in his body remain about the same. So, who knows if he will relapse immediately or will maintain a comfort level when home (I'll be giving him subcutanease fluids to try and flush his system). The vet is at least optimistic in that he is eating and more to his chipper self. We have visited him each day he is there and I would agree that he is looking better.

With this scare, and truly, it doesn't look all that good, it got me thinking not only about Calvin, but also taking stock in my life in general. Calvin is 16 yrs old. Calvin and Bullseye have really been my companions through alot of change in my life. Where was I when I got them? Or they got me....

February 2, 1992, they were born in upstate New York. Groundhog day to be exact. I was living in Ithaca with my boyfriend Roland. I was putting my hard earned Cornell degree to work by waitressing at Joe's, an Italien restaurant in Ithaca. I was also working for my father doing some of his books, insurance, general reception"ing" and the occasional fill in as dental assistant. My father's regular assistant, Cindy, well, her cat BatMite had just had kittens and her boyfriend was threatening to do something not so nice to the kittens. I volunteered to take two. As I arrived to pick up the two I wanted, there were 6 look-alike Calvins (ie, grey and super fluffy) and 1 Bullseye. The Bull was the runt of the litter (you would never know later in life as he topped the scale at 16 lbs of lean mean purrin' machine). Bullseye had a big white circle on one of his grey patches on his back - hence the name Bullseye (not to be confused with Target as some called him). Calvin, well, I picked him out for his spunk. When I first laid eyes on him he was climbing a curtain and gaining some good ground rather quickly I might add. Well, with a good spunkiness/mischievness about him, it made me think of Calvin in Calvin and Hobbes - so that's how he got his name.

I wasn't sure where to go from my hard earned degree and was, at the time, entertaining the thought of being a photographer for the National Forest Service in Idaho. Roland was planning on doing something else for them. In the end, we decided the car couldn't make it out to Idaho (perhaps a metaphor for the relationship?) and we stayed put in Ithaca for the time being. As all good fairy tales go, our time together was tested and Roland headed to Portland, Oregon as I headed to Minneapolis, MN for some soul searching and cold weather.

I moved with my friends Ruth and Jason and made a new friend Katie. As it turns out, Katie and I were probably soulmates in another life as we clicked right away. Minneapolis was the first place I'd lived away from where I'd grown up. While I worried the adjustment might at first be difficult, Katie filled in my voids and Ruth and Jason filled around the edges. While I only lasted a year before heading out to California, when I think of Minneapolis, I'm reminded of - on the good side - apple festivals, fall camping, learning to cross stitch, waitressing at the Midland Hills Country Club (wonderful friends and good times), working at the "U" and "the nook" (a little built in bench in my studio apartment's kitchen where Katie and I spent many hours talking). The bad of course was the cold. And more cold. And more cold. Yes, that's where I was in the early days. With Calvin. With Bullseye. My constant furry companions.

California has come and greeted me with wonderful friends, a husband, two children and now a puppy dog to add to the clan. I think about my journey as a person since I've moved to California and I feel that I am almost a different person from when I first arrived. Yes, I still have the same values, and for the most part, the same spirit. But, through the death of a father, a grandfather, a grandmother and the breakup of several significant relationships, time has changed me. From a naive, 24 year old to a more worldly 38 year old. Nobody likes to think of change, let alone changing themselves. And most of the time, we don't realize that change is taking place. It is only when we look back that we see that it has happened. Sometimes it is good change and sometimes we look back and find that we don't like the way time has changed us. Either way, we are trying to stabilize the future, understand the past and hold onto the present.

Before I was married, my stabilization was my cats. Does that sound funny? Perhaps to some. But when you are 38 years old, how many of us can say that we've had a constant companion for 16 years already? Yes, they have been my stabilization. And in the most tumultuous times, I have cried into their soft fur, cuddled up to their warm bodies and talked into their understanding ears.

Who knows how long Calvin has. When I think about when he is not here however, my core is rattled. He is not only a companion to me that knows my deepest secrets, but he is also a big part of my story. My story and journey from young woman to wife and mother. My story from coast to coast. And my story from blank slate to book.

Both my cats have added a depth to my being that I am proud to say was put there by an animal. I will forever trust a person that has a way with both animals and people, than trust a person that makes an animal recoil. Animals are our reminder that there is a bigger picture that we are not aware of. And for many, we do not look to them for only companionship but we also look to them for guidance, for instruction and for protection (from both physical as well as spiritual).

I will cherish the time that I have left with my little furry link to the past, however long it may be. And, when he is no longer with me in body, his spirit will remain with me forever. Just as his brother Bullseye's is.